Fishes Revenge

[rejectomorph]

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a doctor I've never been to. I have to get that angry red mole on my back looked at. It has been irritating me a lot, lately. With my usual fatalism, I'm expecting to be dead within a week. (Actually, it will probably take a bit longer.) Well, it is one way out of this town. Not my first choice, but, beggars etc..

The problem is all that California sunshine I got before I became nocturnal. My grandfather liked to go fishing, and I spent way too many hours on the pier or the beach. I had a couple of sunburns so nasty that I could barely walk. This was not unusual among my peers. From early summer on, one or another of us was peeling. Sunburn was almost a badge of juvenile machismo in my neighborhood. I've known for a long time that it would eventually catch up with me.

But going to doctors has always raised my anxiety level. Entirely aside from the fact that I am completely uninsured, I'm probably looking at some sort of slice-and-dice coming up. That makes it worse. I just don't think clearly under pressure. And then, when something is worrying me, I don't sleep as well, and I start remembering my dreams. Most of them involve me wandering around some strangely altered version of reality looking for something, and I have no idea what it is. Not exactly nightmares, but disturbingly creepy.

Well, what the hell. At least it will give me a chance to practice denial on a whole new level. I ought to master at least that art before I'm dead. And who knows? Maybe I'll meet a lawyer who can figure out a way I can sue the fish who lured me into standing on the pier at Manhattan Beach all those years ago. They'd probably only pay me scale, though. (Okay, that was just so everybody will know that I deserve to die!)

Comments

[aurora-adora.livejournal.com]

i have several "beauty marks" (being a girl i can call moles that) that cause me anxiety. they just scream cancer at me. i am just waiting for that fateful day when i have health insurance again, so i can get them removed. although when i did have it, i was too worried about the slice and dice to do it. i hate doctors. no matter what i go in for, i cry. they always think i have mental problems and try to refer me to a diffeent kind of doctor. hell, maybe i do, buti think it is mostly doctor anxiety. it is just so uncomfortable to be there. blech.

[rejectomorph]

It isn't so bad when you have a regular doctor to whom you are accustomed. When I lived in L.A., I went to the same doctor for years. But, when I moved here, my doctor phobia took over and I just never bothered to go at all, except to a Chiropractor a couple of times when my spine got out of joint. Odd thing is, I went through a 16 week self-help program for panic disorder, and it worked marvelously for everthing except dealing with MDs. There's just something about those guys. I don't know....

[grapesoda.livejournal.com]

I was an illegal when I lived in LA. I put off going to the doctor because I didn't know how one would go about it without showing my illegalness, until I found a free clinic. The free clinic was full of an odd cross section of people (sorta like a dmv), but the doctors didn't really scare me as much as they usually do.

[aurora-adora.livejournal.com]

i think i know what it is about doctors that bothers me. it's the sheer science of it all. people who are drawn to science, aren't usually the same people with strengths in the compassion category. they can be so cold and factual about things that seem like they could ruin your life.

[rejectomorph]

This guy turned out to be okay. He said that only about 1 in 200,000 moles actually become cancerous anyway,and the one I have isn't going to be a high risk. In fact, the scar that would form if I had it sliced off would have a pretty good chance of being more sensitive than the mole itself is. So, I decided not to have it sliced, even though it is irritating as hell! As moles age, they tend to swell a bit, and this one is apparently located close to a nerve, so I guess I'll just have to get used to it. So I'm kind of happily bummed out.