51/65: The Very Idea (gasp!)
Nov. 16th, 2024 09:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rejectomorphFriday night I spent a lot of time in bed again without much sleep, and not in a good way. I got up shortly before dawn as the gray light was growing, with the east looking much as it had Friday night, except it was the sun and not the full moon that was hidden by the band of low clouds cramping the horizon. The days now follow one another with a chill foreboding as though they knew winter was about to blight the landscape, slaughtering all that lived. Summer, and even the early autumn, now seem so far away that I have to remind myself that it was scant days ago we had to worry about fire devastating everything. Well, the fires will return soon enough. I'll just drape another throw over my shoulders and think about the rain the winter can bring, hope there will be no floods.
There was rain quite recently, in fact, though I can't remember when as I don't believe I mentioned it. I've been too distracted, but I do recall now that there was thunder, and I kept blinds and drapes closed so did not see the lightning. I'm not sure now why I didn't want to see it, but I think it seemed very important at the time. I've gotten into the habit of not confronting reality, but letting my mind wander in fantasies of memories that never were. It's as though I'd stumbled upon some inner morphea in my brain and become addicted to it. Maybe it's a perquisite of aging. You get to turn on those chemicals that make stuff hurt less. But if that's so, it's not working too well for my aching joints. I was barely able to drag myself upright to get out of bed today. Maybe I should boost the thermostat, expense be damned.
Oh, I don't like this schedule. It's frustrating, and makes me want to run screaming, and I can't run anymore. Not sure if I can scream or not, and I don't think I should test it, just in case I can. I might get reported and locked up, and though I don't mind all that much being crazy on my own, I'd hate to be crazy under observation. Hey, I saw "The Snake Pit." Poor Olivia. Wouldn't want to end up like her, a damned movie star. What? Oh. Yeah, a nap might be a good idea.
There was rain quite recently, in fact, though I can't remember when as I don't believe I mentioned it. I've been too distracted, but I do recall now that there was thunder, and I kept blinds and drapes closed so did not see the lightning. I'm not sure now why I didn't want to see it, but I think it seemed very important at the time. I've gotten into the habit of not confronting reality, but letting my mind wander in fantasies of memories that never were. It's as though I'd stumbled upon some inner morphea in my brain and become addicted to it. Maybe it's a perquisite of aging. You get to turn on those chemicals that make stuff hurt less. But if that's so, it's not working too well for my aching joints. I was barely able to drag myself upright to get out of bed today. Maybe I should boost the thermostat, expense be damned.
Oh, I don't like this schedule. It's frustrating, and makes me want to run screaming, and I can't run anymore. Not sure if I can scream or not, and I don't think I should test it, just in case I can. I might get reported and locked up, and though I don't mind all that much being crazy on my own, I'd hate to be crazy under observation. Hey, I saw "The Snake Pit." Poor Olivia. Wouldn't want to end up like her, a damned movie star. What? Oh. Yeah, a nap might be a good idea.
