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Reset Thirty-Nine, Day Six
Mar. 11th, 2022 12:58 amThursday there was too little sleep, but I don't recall feeling any desire for a nap, and I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep well tonight, though I intend to try. The afternoon was not wasted. I fetched via BlogBooker three of the years of my journal that are missing from Dreamwidth, and in the evening I got XML files of the rest of them from LJ's own archive tool, which is still working. Those are missing comments, of course, and none of this stuff will be online anymore if LJ itself goes away, but techno-doltish beggars on Social Security can't be choosers. Anyway, I had years of paper journals burn to ash so it's sort of a digital miracle that this stuff is still here at all, for however long it may remain.
While downloading I read some entries from that period, and I'm surprised that some of it actually seemed pretty good to me. It didn't seem very good when I was writing it, and most of the most recent stuff (lockdown era) still doesn't, but I found some good lines here and there. It's too bad I'm so unlikely to ever do anything with any of it. But there are videos that must be watched! and all that stuff in the past is in the past anyway, and no longer seems quite real to me. Hell, the present no longer seems quite real, if it ever did.
After a fairly decent dinner and a bottle of Guinness, I'm feeling better now than I have all day, though that isn't saying much. Waking up has become more distressing than it's ever been, and as they day wears on I find myself worn down by my own tension, which is with me from the moment I reach consciousness. I should probably start drinking earlier in the day, though that would pretty much guarantee some bad headaches. My health has reached the no-win point, and its a choice of evils. Dueling miseries. So far I've mostly opted for sobriety, but there might be a point at which the headaches will be an improvement on the anxiety aches. At that time my writing might improve again— for a while, anyway.
Another mild day due today. I think I'll use it to watch videos.
While downloading I read some entries from that period, and I'm surprised that some of it actually seemed pretty good to me. It didn't seem very good when I was writing it, and most of the most recent stuff (lockdown era) still doesn't, but I found some good lines here and there. It's too bad I'm so unlikely to ever do anything with any of it. But there are videos that must be watched! and all that stuff in the past is in the past anyway, and no longer seems quite real to me. Hell, the present no longer seems quite real, if it ever did.
After a fairly decent dinner and a bottle of Guinness, I'm feeling better now than I have all day, though that isn't saying much. Waking up has become more distressing than it's ever been, and as they day wears on I find myself worn down by my own tension, which is with me from the moment I reach consciousness. I should probably start drinking earlier in the day, though that would pretty much guarantee some bad headaches. My health has reached the no-win point, and its a choice of evils. Dueling miseries. So far I've mostly opted for sobriety, but there might be a point at which the headaches will be an improvement on the anxiety aches. At that time my writing might improve again— for a while, anyway.
Another mild day due today. I think I'll use it to watch videos.
